Run the meeting · The agreements
Men's group ground rules: a simple template
Three rules, said out loud, at the first meeting. That's the whole system.
A men's group needs exactly three ground rules: what's said here stays here, no fixing, and everyone gets a turn. Say them out loud at the first meeting, get a yes from every man, and repeat them whenever a new man joins. Everything else is optional.
Most groups get this wrong in one of two directions. Either they assume the rules ("everybody knows it's confidential"), which means no man fully trusts them. Or they write a constitution: two pages of policies about attendance, phones, language, and lateness that make a kitchen table feel like a homeowners association. Three rules, spoken and agreed to, hit the mark that matters.
That mark has a name in the research: psychological safety, the shared belief that this is a room where you can take an interpersonal risk and not get punished for it. The foundational study defined it exactly that way, as "a shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking," and found it's what determines whether people will admit a hard thing or ask for help [1]. Ground rules are simply psychological safety written down. This page gives you the exact sentences; the full guide covers how to build a men's group, step by step.
The three core rules, with the words to say
Rule 1: What's said here stays here
Confidentiality is the rule the others stand on. No man will say a true thing on Thursday if there's any chance it reaches his workplace, his church, or his wife's book club by Saturday. And it has to be spoken, not assumed. When researchers asked members of ongoing supervision groups what actually mattered for the group working, they didn't talk about facilitator skill. They named the ground rules themselves: protected time, confidentiality, and the safety and trust that come from them [2].
"What's said in this room stays in this room. Not your wife, not your buddies, not 'a guy I know was telling me.' Nothing leaves. Everybody good with that?"
The "a guy I know" line matters. Most confidentiality leaks aren't betrayals; they're anonymized retellings that aren't as anonymous as the teller thinks. Close that door explicitly. One honest exception to state up front: if a man is in danger of harming himself or someone else, getting him real help outranks the rule.
Rule 2: No fixing
When a man shares something hard, the group listens. Nobody solves, nobody tops it, nobody hands out a plan. Fixing feels generous, but it's actually a door slamming: it tells the man who spoke that his job is to be repaired, not heard, and it teaches every other man to share only problems he's already solved. The most powerful moment in a men's group is one man saying the hard thing and another saying "yeah, me too." Advice kills that moment before it can land.
"When a man shares, we don't fix it, we don't judge it, and we don't one-up it. We just listen. If what he said connects with something in your life, say so. 'Me too' is worth more than advice here."
One refinement that keeps the rule honest: a man can always ask for input. "I actually want to know what you guys would do" unlocks the room. The rule isn't that advice is forbidden; it's that advice is invited, never imposed.
Rule 3: Everyone gets a turn
Every meeting opens and closes with a go-around: each man speaks, in turn, briefly, with no interruptions. This rule quietly fixes the two failure modes of every group of men: the talker who fills all the air, and the quiet man who'd go three months without saying a word if no one asked. The check-in round is an established group practice, and balancing participation is its documented purpose, "so that talkative and quiet members start the group equally" [3].
"Every man gets a turn, and no man has to take it. We open and close with a quick round, one at a time, no interruptions. You can always pass. Passing is allowed; being forgotten isn't."
"You can always pass" isn't a loophole; it's the pressure valve that makes the rule safe. A man who knows he can pass relaxes enough to talk. For exactly where the rounds sit in the meeting, see our 90-minute first meeting agenda, which scripts both of them.
The template: read this out loud
Here's the whole thing as one block. Read it at your first meeting, read it again whenever a new man joins, and you're done. It takes under a minute.
Our ground rules
Read out loud at the first meeting and whenever a new man joins.
- What's said here stays here. Nothing leaves this room, in any form. The only exception: if a man's in danger, we get him help.
- No fixing. We listen, we relate, we say "me too." Advice only when a man asks for it.
- Everyone gets a turn. We open and close with a round, one man at a time, no interruptions. Any man can pass.
Agreed to out loud by every man in the room.
Want it on paper? The same template is in the free First Meeting Kit as a printable page, alongside the full meeting plan.
Optional rules worth considering
These four earn their keep in many groups. Add them if your group needs them, not before.
- Start and end on time. Worth saying out loud if your men run late. A meeting with edges is a meeting men can rely on.
- Phones away. Not banned, just face-down and silent. One man checking scores quietly tells the man speaking he isn't worth full attention.
- Speak for yourself. "I" statements instead of lectures about what "men should" do. Keeps the night personal instead of theoretical.
- What's shared here is yours to share, not mine to ask about. Some groups add this so a man controls when his Thursday disclosure comes up again, even inside the group.
What not to over-regulate
The goal of the rules is safety, not order. The research on what makes groups work points at the same few ingredients again and again: a sense of safety, the quality of the connections, and a feeling of shared ownership. A 2024 study of 162 men in community men's groups found exactly that pattern: groups run as a shared "us" improved members' mental health, working through psychological safety and the quality of the social network [4]. None of that comes from a rulebook. So skip:
- Attendance policies. A man who missed two meetings needs a "we missed you" text, not a warning letter.
- Fines, strikes, or formal memberships. This is a table of men, not a lodge with bylaws.
- Banned topics. Groups that outlaw politics or religion usually mean "we don't debate here," so say that instead: we're here to hear each other, not to win.
- Scripts for everything. Script the transitions, not the conversation. If the rules get longer than the meeting, the rules have become the meeting.
If a problem keeps coming up, the answer is usually a conversation, not a new rule. And if a rule has to be invoked more than twice on the same man, that's a coffee between the two of you, not a tribunal. Keeping the rule count low is part of what keeps a group alive for years; so is everything in our guide to keeping a men's group going year after year.
Common questions about ground rules
What if a man breaks confidentiality? Talk to him directly, one on one, fast. Most first breaches are thoughtless, not malicious. Name what happened, restate the rule at the next meeting without naming him, and watch. A second breach is different: the group can't function around a man it can't trust, and it's fair to say so.
Do we really have to say the rules out loud? It feels formal. Sixty seconds of formality buys months of trust. An assumed rule protects no one, because every man is privately guessing whether the others heard it. Spoken agreement is the cheapest insurance a group can buy.
Should we write them down and sign them? Writing them down helps; the printable version exists for exactly that. Signing is overkill for most groups. The handshake moment is the out-loud "yes," not ink.
Ready to start your own group?
The First Meeting Kit is a free printable PDF with these ground rules, the exact invitation scripts, a minute-by-minute first meeting plan, and 20 questions that get men talking.
Get the free kitSources
- Edmondson, A. C. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-383. https://doi.org/10.2307/2666999
- Green, A. (1999). A utilisation-focused evaluation of a clinical supervision programme for nurses and health visitors in one national health service trust. Journal of Vocational Education and Training, 51(4), 493-505. https://doi.org/10.1080/13636829900200096
- Gordon, R. M. (2008). The two-minute check-in at the beginning of psychoanalytic group therapy sessions. Group Analysis, 41(4), 366-372. https://doi.org/10.1177/0533316408098289
- Clarke, J., Haslam, S. A., & Sharman, L. (2024). Leading by example: Identity leadership and mental health in Men's Sheds members. Journal of Applied Gerontology, 44(5), 815-824. https://doi.org/10.1177/07334648241289020